A new national football team is being launched to reflect the values and aspirations of the silent majority who feel unrepresented by the political correctness and multi-culturalism of the current national set up.
The ‘Middle England’ side has been established following the disappointment of the Euro 2008 qualifying campaign when none of the Home Nations made it through to the finals; ‘a result of years of fashionable metropolitans knocking Britain and endless nanny state intervention promoting non-competitive sport’.
The team which was put together following a debate in the pages of the Daily Mail and phone-in programmes on BBC local radio is an all-white, all middle-class team drawn from the Home Counties. Although they have yet to reach the levels of fitness and experience expected from top international footballers, they hope to make up for it with their sense of fair play and sportsmanship.
Middle England supporters have been watching them train through their net curtains although the first session was cut short as it clashed with the Archers Omnibus. Fouls and sendings off were reported in the local Neighbourhood Watch Newsletter and half time team talk was a very interesting lecture from a local W.I. volunteer on how to make jam.
‘I know you’re not allowed to say this anymore’ said acting manager Robert Kilroy-Silk ‘but when England won the world cup in 1940 we didn’t have to have a so-called ethnic quota foisted on us by Brussels bureaucrats. Bobby Moore was a proper Englishman if you know what I mean, like Alan Ball and George Cohen. Actually, I’m not sure about that last one…’
Middle England’s first scheduled game was a grudge match against traditional rivals the ‘Liberal Elite’. Unfortunately the debut home fixture was cancelled as the pitch was covered in signs saying ‘Keep Off the Grass’.