A crack squad of Indian fakirs have been flown in to the UK to teach the homeless how to have a good night’s sleep on the 2-inch-long metal spikes which have sprung up all over the UK’s capital to deter rough sleeping in doorways.
“I read with horror of these ghastly spikes and decided to get to grips with the root of the homelessness problem immediately,” said Prime Minister David Cameron, who announced his ‘practical compassion’ initiative after calling an emergency meeting of COBRA.
“With the help of Swami Yogesh and his elite fakirs, homeless people will now be able to continue to enjoy a good night’s ‘kip’, tucked up in stinking sleeping bags and sodden cardboard, whilst drunken yobs urinate on them from a great height. This is another example of the Coalition looking after the poor with compassion and dignity.”
Speaking through interpreters at the launch of the initiative, Swami Yogesh said he was impressed by how quickly rough sleepers in London were adapting to the spikes using fakir techniques. “They’re naturals. We fakirs don’t eat or wash for years on end either. The only difference is, we choose to do it.”