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Swimming pools to introduce ‘hairy fatty back bits’ lanes

Mark Spitz, and so does everyone elseWalthamstow public swimming pool is to pilot new ‘smooth’ and ‘hairy’ shoulder lanes in a scheme due for nationwide rollout by 2015.

The new system was introduced after it was noticed that an effective swimming workout was being undermined for many by the fear of ingesting curly hair floating on the surface during their regular workouts.

‘It’s very easy for the hirsute swimmer to ignore the issue completely and carry regardless,’ a lifeguard shrugged. ‘They see nothing of the devastation they cause to those behind them; the gagging fits, the abandonment of the pursuit of personal best times for swimming a length or two. This is long overdue if you ask me. It really does slow people down, but we welcome this new rule; before it we would only be allowed to intervene over the speed thing if we saw someone engaging in other unsafe or distracting practices, like heavy petting, or torpedoing old ladies.’

Melanie Shafte, an HR worker who supplements her income by wringing chicken necks for a halal supermarket, admitted; ‘If sputtering hefty men shedding swatches of body hair wouldn’t let me past I’d take a deep breath and switch from breast stroke to crawl so I can ‘accidentally’ slap the soles of their feet to show my disgust, then head for the safety of the steps. Unfortunately they all seemed to take that as a come-on, so thank Goodness the people who run the pool have finally seen sense.’

Many regulars at Walthamstow have welcomed what has become known as the ‘Seamonsters’ ruling, including several hairy middle-aged men tired of ‘that look’ from females and juveniles. But there are also concerns that hygiene rules should be stricter too.

Apparently, bored teenagers have been abusing the knowledge that urine turns blue in chlorine, and daring one another to ‘draw chemtrails’ in the water. The pool’s management has now empowered lifeguards to issue blue ‘I done a wee’ rubber bands that must be worn prominently for the remainder of their session, with a ‘two stripes and you’re out’ rule.

Curtis Price, attending the local sixth form and looking forward to a promising career in fast food, weighed up the situation and decided that he would rather wear a blue arm-band than pubes on his shoulders. ‘Who knows what the future holds, though,’ he admitted, worried.

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Posted: Jun 10th, 2014 by Squudge

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