Bacon is to become England’s official ‘World Cup Hangover’ sponsor for the 2014 World Cup, beating off stiff competition from other market leaders to land the coveted prize.
Rashers of prime pork slithers, associated with primary partner Heinz Ketchup and minor sponsor HP, were chosen ahead of other big name brands such as Paracetamol and Alka Seltzer as England’s ‘go to’ remedy for stupidly excessive alcohol intake after inexplicable defeats where the Ref got it wrong or foul play had a hand in an England World Cup setback.
‘Nobody who has had to sit through an early-round exit ever drowned their sorrows and woke up in a shopping trolley or on a park bench craving an aspirin,’ said Walkers’ pork scratchings fan Gary Lineker, who also now has a lucrative contract with Bacon. ‘The first thing they think about is usually ‘Where are my underpants?’ and then of course a juicy Bacon sandwich. Bacon is the only thing that will bring them back from that sort of personal and, yes, national humiliation.’
In the early rounds at least, forty years of English FA research has confirmed that the smell of a distant bacon sandwich ‘gives fans something to cling to, gives them belief that there is still a reason for living and hope for the future’.
‘Paracetamol can never do that,’ added FA Chairman, Greg Dyke, as he considered the first group game against Italy in Manaus, mimed slitting his throat, sighed, and dejectedly tucked into a massive BLT.
After finishing his mouthful Dyke was instantly perkier, adding: ‘Just remember to eat responsibly, and only source your Bacon from approved outlets at any World Cup venue.’ FIFA President Sepp Blatter suddenly experienced a brief moment of clear managerial thought, added another item to his list and set off for Qatar to urgently discuss ‘further issues’.