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Iraq ‘splitting along astrological lines’

War in IraqHopes of an end to the violence in Iraq were looking remoter than ever this week as UN observers reported that insurgents were dividing according to the signs of the zodiac. Traditional Shia and Sunni loyalties were being further complicated by an ongoing and increasingly bloody conflict between the Water, Fire and Earth signs.

The execution of Saddam Hussein is reported to have only made things worse. As a Taurus, the former dictator came from a star sign that represented approximately one-twelfth of the Iraqi population who now feel particularly resentful and persecuted, although they were slightly mollified to learn that friends may be important to them this weekend.

Corporal James Carter whose unit is stationed just outside Basra said the power struggle in the south is becoming increasingly bitter; ‘There has been a running gun battle between the traditionally incompatible Pisces and Sagittarian forces. We had the UN guys in there trying to mediate, but the bloodshed seemed to be over whether tomorrow would be a good day to raise long-standing concerns about work issues or whether health matters could come to the fore by the weekend.’

Soldiers in IraqCorporal Carter’s men had come under gunfire from a Capricorn position to their rear, though with those born under the sign of the Goat being notoriously prone to putting things off, he was able to negotiate a temporary ceasefire ‘until they felt ready to face new challenges’. Using an interpreter and a loud-hailer Corporal Carter guaranteed that local militia units would be allowed time to deal with romance issues that had been bubbling under, adding ‘And if it is your birthday today, you should follow your instincts over the coming year, start putting yourself first; this doesn’t make you selfish. Be decisive, but take care.’

The Americans have also been learning fast about the divisions that are fuelling this conflict, and have responded with heavy bombing of any suspected Leo and Aquarius positions in the Baghdad suburbs. But hopes for any meaningful power-sharing agreement suffered a setback yesterday, when ceasefire talks were shattered by a massive car bomb that killed around twenty representatives of the different signs of the zodiac. Unfortunately none of their horoscopes had predicted anything quite that specific.


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Posted: Jun 13th, 2014 by NewsBiscuit

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