The scientific world was celebrating last night after Tony Blair’s illuminating discovery that black is white. To date, the finest minds have failed to identify evidence of the presence of dark matter postulated in a dossier in 2003.
Cuthbert Dink, Professor Emeritus for Nuclear Physics at the University of Leighton Buzzard stated, ‘We couldn’t see it, and we couldn’t find it after about a fortnight of searching, but scientific enquiry led by Professor Blair proved it must be there, because we all went to war. So it must have been there in order to influence all our actions, mustn’t it?’
Senior government scientific advisors concurred. ‘We knew Blair was pre-eminent in his subject when he felt confident allowing a student to write the dossier. The theory hinged on small particles that were undetectable, dubbed ‘WMD’, and on the direction of spin.’
Former United Nations chief chemical weapons inspector Hans Blix admitted, ‘He certainly has me struggling in the crushing grip of his very powerful reasoning. It appears his genius is grounded in a healthy disregard for the laws of physics and international treaties. This work is so beyond question as to defy peer review, at least not in the very short period that I have been told I have available. It’s just like old times.’
Blair is tipped to be the only person in history to be awarded both the Nobel Peace Prize and the Prize for Physics, in addition to being canonised by the Catholic Church. A Palace official admitted yesterday, ‘The Queen is quite embarrassed to have overlooked the brilliant Professor Blair in her Birthday Honours list. You should have heard her swearing at the television this morning. It was worse than that time she tried to give Nick Clegg an MBE and then found out he wasn’t a real person.’