The national football team of Brazil will head off to the 2010 World Cup in South Africa with heavy hearts this week, after drawing ‘useless clot’ Brian Davies from Accounts in the annual Zenith Industrial Holdings Ltd. sweepstake.
‘Davies hasn’t got a hope in hell of keeping his job, let alone getting a pay rise, ‘not since he screwed up the employee’s P60 PAYE tax statements last April,’ complained Brazilian manager Dunga. ‘The man’s a menace and everyone knows it. In many ways it’s my fault for letting Robinho put his hand in the hat – he should have searched around a bit, rather than pulling out the first name he found. It’s a waste of a pound in my opinion.’
World Cup underdogs Australia are by contrast jubilant after forward Harry Kewell picked corporate liaison assistant Tricia Stevenson during a tense sweepstake draw outside FIFA headquarters. ‘Harry’s played a blinder there,’ team mate Tim Cahill told journalists, ‘Everyone knows what a soft spot the management have for Trish after her performance at last year’s Christmas party, and with Melinda from head office planning to go on maternity leave soon, that twenty quid grand prize is as good as ours.’
England manager Fabio Capello meanwhile caused considerable consternation after appearing to pick a number of pieces of paper from of the draw bucket, only to put them back in again. The Italian eventually drew Keith Dobson, Zenith Industrial Holdings’ corporate legal advisor and a promising prospect, at least on paper. ‘As a corporate lawyer and former Crown Court solicitor, Dobson might seem a good choice,’ wrote one soccer pundit, ‘but a detailed study of his form shows that, while a very capable prosecutor, his record in defence leaves a lot to be desired.’
The twenty pound prize will be awarded after the announcement of the companies’ half yearly results. World Cup qualifying teams who have drawn the three most successful employees will also be given a chance to buy a ticket for Zenith Industrial Holdings’ annual bash at TGI Friday’s, next to their regional office in Dunstable (Premier League commitments allowing).