The Uruguay football team has lodged a serious complaint with FIFA officials today, claiming their private hotel quarters and training ground has been infiltrated by retired footballer turned co-commentator, Phil Neville, in what’s being described as a ‘deliberate and desperate act by the English’.
The South Americans, who unexpectedly lost their opening match to underdogs Costa Rica, have been attempting to refocus ahead of their crunch group match with England on Thursday, but insist the presence of Phil Neville is causing serious issues, including outbreaks of ‘acute lethargy and drowsiness’.
‘We’ve been spiked with Phil Neville; we didn’t see it coming’, said furious team coach Oscar Tabarez this morning. ‘I respect Hodgson; he’s a great tactician and leader, but this is a low blow. We knew something was wrong when we found six key players fast asleep outside the training ground. The rest were just rocking back and forth, crying’.
Uruguay team doctor, Alberto Pan, who has been working tirelessly to keep players mentally alert with lots of Red Bull and Playstation, said: ‘We’d rather the English just sent someone in to spike our water with morphine or something. That wears off quicker. We’re yet to find a drug that can counteract the effects of prolonged exposure to Phil Neville’.
He added: ‘It was a subterfuge by the English to wear us down. Phil’s like a Trojan horse, only instead of being filled with bloodthirsty Greek soldiers, he’s riddled with dull observations and a monotone. We may never recover’.
When questioned about the claims, England team manager Roy Hodgson said; ‘Phil was always useless for England, but now he’s found a purpose. In the unlikely event of this failing, we’ll send in Alan Shearer to finish them off’.