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Rescuers abandon attempt to save England World Cup squad from bottomless pit

Plans to save 11 footballers from the subterranean depths have been scrapped after rescuers described their condition as ‘hopeless’.

When last heard from the group were weak, stumbling around aimlessly and unable to see three feet in front of them. It is thought the minor players became trapped after their chances of avoiding humiliation entirely collapsed around them.

‘As soon as they entered, the squad faced an immediate vertical drop and it soon became clear were ill-equipped to crawl their way back upwards’ the head of the rescue team told us.‘It was clear they weren’t going to see daylight any time this year. Eventually we just decided to ‘call it’.’

The cave has now been sealed in order avoid any further calamity.

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Posted: Jun 20th, 2014 by Adrian Bamforth

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