Officers investigating allegations of sexual abuse by notable figures from the 60s and 70s have concluded today that, the only man currently alive that’s ‘completely trustworthy’, is veteran TV and radio presenter, Des Lynam.
‘We investigated Des thoroughly, and amazingly, we found zilch’, said one anonymous Yewtree officer today. ‘We rummaged through his bins, hacked into his computer and interrogated him in a hot room for six days straight, but the guy’s clean. We didn’t even find any allegations of any suspiciously long hugs. We’re now able to confirm that, Des Lynam is currently the only celebrity over sixty still at liberty to appear on TV not wearing a pair of handcuffs with a jacket pulled over his head’.
Current BBC presenters have spoken of their respect for 71-year-old today, backing the unusually positive Yewtree report. ‘Other radio and TV presenters from that era should have taken note’, said current Match of the Day host, Gary Lineker. ‘Des was and still is a complete professional: Hardworking and intelligent with lots of charisma, and I’d have happily left my kids with him unsupervised’.
When asked how and why they believe Des was able to remain completely innocent and professional throughout his entire career, without once receiving any complaints of ‘lewd behaviour’ in public, Officer Jameson, who first investigated the claims made against Jimmy Savile, said: ‘Honestly, we really have no idea. Everybody else was at it. It must have been the moustache; it instills trust. Any man with a moustache as rich as that is bound to be a man of principles and integrity. It’s funny how something as simple as a moustache can take you from being a slightly suspicious man to a solid nine out of ten’.
Bosses at the BBC have reacted positively to the news, and are now planning to award Des with the opportunity to host 50% of all BBC television programmes for the next five years. ‘It doesn’t seem right, offering somebody more work solely on the basis that they aren’t a horrible sexual predator, but there really is nobody else left’, said BBC director-general, Tony Hall.