After reviewing footage of Tuesday’s incident in which Luis Suárez appeared to help himself to a chunk of Italy defender Giorgio Chiellini, Fifa has instructed the Uruguay striker’s handlers to ensure that he is ‘fed prior to all future matches’.
‘Ninety minutes is a long time to go without a snack, so it’s understandable that Luis began to feel a little peckish’, said FIFA’s head chef, Sepp Blatter. ‘Yet no matter how tasty an Italy defender may appear to a famished striker, we really must insist that he lunches before, rather than during, competitive fixtures.’
This is the third time the in-form Liverpool forward has been caught grazing between meals while on a football pitch. The South American foodie has previously demonstrated appreciation for both Serbian and Dutch cuisine by sampling prime cuts of Branislav Ivanovic and Otman Bakkal, but on this occasion opted for an Italian take away.
Uruguay’s team manager however denies that his star striker is any different from other players. ‘His appetite for the game cannot be questioned,’ said Óscar Tabárez. ‘Sure, not every player likes to spend the half-time break watching Silence of the Lambs, but anyone could make the mistake of taking to the field with his napkin still tucked into his shirt and cutlery poking out of the top of his socks’.
To reduce the risk of Suárez committing any future biting incidents, FIFA has recommended that teams follow the example set by the England defenders and keep their distance from the striker.