The Government today launched its innovative Integrated Terrorism and Urban Renewal Scheme with the successful destruction of a condemned concrete multi-storey car park in Wolverhampton by an alleged jihadist sympathiser. Designed to allow terrorists to represent their cause explosively while having the targets selected for them, the new scheme has been described as a ‘win, win scenario’ by Home Secretary, Theresa May.
‘We’ve been trying to find a way of channelling the destructive urges of terrorists to the good of society, and getting them to rid us of old municipal monstrosities is definitely the way forward,’ explained the Home Secretary. ‘Now insurgents with a grudge against the West can get it all out their system by blowing up a deserted tower block, and at the same time know they’re giving something back to society by improving the urban environment and clearing the way for new affordable housing.’
The first ‘attack’ took place at precisely 11.03 yesterday morning when Imran Hak, wearing a hard hat, hi-viz jacket and safety goggles, carefully pushed a button which set off the charges to raze the 1960s eyesore to the ground. Although full Health and Safety regulations were observed, an element of surprise was permitted with Imran being allowed to choose the exact moment of detonating the high explosive, provided that it occurred between 11:00 and 11:05. In future, it is thought that old-time IRA sympathisers will be allowed to phone in a warning before initiating the blast.
‘I enjoyed that,’ said Imran, 57, once the dust had settled. ‘I appreciate it wasn’t exactly a suicide attack, but then I’m not exactly a terrorist. To be honest, the only attack I’ve ever been involved in was an asthma attack last spring.’
Hak had been selected for demolition duties following his arrest for shaking his fist and shouting in Urdu at a young shoplifter in his convenience store, which the police interpreted as a terrorist threat. ‘We’re certain he was planning to post footage of the incident in his shop on some extremist website,’ said a police spokesman. ‘Why else would he have set up CCTV cameras to film the whole thing?’