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Glastonbury goers ‘furious’ as Chris de Burgh announced as emergency headline act

The 118,000 wellie-clad rock fans who have descended on Glastonbury for the weekend were left ‘furious and crestfallen’ today following the shock last-minute cancellation of many of this year’s headline acts and their replacement with one-hit-wonder Chris de Burgh as ‘emergency stand-in’.

De Burgh, who received brief notoriety for his 1986 hit ‘The Lady in Red’, now famously used by wedding DJs to clear dance floors at last orders, was contacted in haste last night after a Europe-wide rail and airport strike left previously booked legends like the Rolling Stones and Arctic Monkeys stranded and unable to attend the world famous festival.

Fighting back tears, music fanatic Tom Harris, who is attending his first ever festival this weekend, said: ‘I paid £110 to witness Professor Green, Primal Scream and Mumford and Sons blast out tunes to hundreds of thousands of screaming people. Then they announced on large speakers that they’ve all cancelled and that Chris de Burgh is on his way. I don’t even know who that is.’

Glastonbury organisers have insisted that their options were left ‘disastrously limited’ after domestic and continental airports were brought to a complete standstill. ‘We’ve been left with no choice but to draft-in musicians that live within walking distance of the festival, so Chris de Burgh will take the main stage on both Saturday and Sunday night. We can only apologise, especially after festival goers have already been subjected to Liam Gallagher.’’

De Burgh, who for many years has rented a bedsit just half a mile from the Glastonbury perimeter in case of such an eventuality, couldn’t believe his luck this morning. ‘I literally haven’t had a booking for 24-years, so to be told I will be headlining Glastonbury all weekend is going to take some time to sink in. When the call came in I was applying to appear on the gameshow Wipeout.’

When asked about the set he has planned for the proposed 18-hour stage appearance, he added: ‘It’s all a little rushed. I’m currently working with festival co-ordinators to see how we can stretch out a performance of The Lady in Red over two days.’

Glastonbury organisers have also confirmed that de Burgh will be supported by novelty rock band the Wombles and X-Factor waste products Chico and Eoghan Quigg.

Jesus H

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Posted: Jun 26th, 2014 by Jesus H

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