Thousands of Londoners have been filmed leaving the capital in fear for their musical sanity this week, as rumours surfaced that Andrew Lloyd Webber intends to carpet bomb the West End with ‘theatrical turds’ from the 1980s. Not since the Great Fire of 1666 have so many people abandoned their homes so readily. One eyewitness reported seeing a father of three throw his young daughters into the Thames rather than expose them to ‘Don’t Cry For Me Argentina’.
Refugees clutching tickets for ‘A Book of Mormon’ attest to being shell shocked at the news that such productions will be returning to London’s theatre land. Many fear that Webber’s planned attack on the city could mean that they will now be exposed to the next generation of Wayne Sleeps and Bonnie Langfords.
One expert commented: ‘While Hitler may have bombed London 71 times in 267-days, Cats alone has bombed in front of over 50-million people worldwide. Something has to be done’. Children have been sent away from their families to either live in the countryside or at least stay with someone with season tickets to the Royal Court or National Theatres. The people of Coventry have already volunteered to ‘burn their cathedral to the ground’ if Cameron Mackintosh promises not to bring the shows north of the Watford Gap.
The V-1 ‘doodlebug’ bomb with its familiar strange tearing and rasping sound will be accurately replaced by Elaine Paige singing ‘Memory’. Cats itself will run for 12-weeks at the London Palladium, while the populace will run in any direction they can. One veteran remarked: ‘I didn’t fight in a World War to have Nazis marching through the streets of London or people dressed in a cat unitard’.