‘Nice criminals’ will be forced to wear Hallowe’en masks

the world's just not terrifying enough yet

Following the conviction of Rolf Harris for a string of sexual assaults, the Secretary of State for Justice, Chris Grayling, is set to announce sweeping reforms to festive Hallowe’en costumes to aid the public in their identification and eventual demonisation of suspected criminals. The Metropolitan Police admitted, that having exhausted its supply of freaky-looking paedophiles to prosecute, Operation Yewtree will now have to include celebrities people actually like.

Previously the government had implemented a system whereby serial killers agreed to grow beards, molesters were given bad haircuts and tax avoiders were required to dress like George Osborne. Unfortunately, the agreed classification has become undermined by the rise of ‘paedo chic’, which has seen the likes of Russell Brand making ironic use of Ted Bundy’s mojo and Lady Gaga looking like a transgender Jimmy Savile.

‘Attractive, young and charismatic individuals are clearly incapable of committing crime,’ said Clive Phelan, a researcher in criminology. ‘Likewise, curmudgeonly OAPs with diminished fame are likely to be guilty of something. But the lines have blurred – gone are the days when petty thieves carried bags with ‘swag’ written on them. Not every evil doer looks like Pol Pot, Harold Shipman or even Rebekah Brooks.’

A spokesman for Mr Grayling noted that attributing blame and feelings of anger for having drone death rained on your head needs a president who looks like George Bush, not a kindly Chicago lecturer like Barack Obama.

‘It’s easy for us support the notion of incarcerating 1970s abusers when they resemble the love child of Boris Johnson and the Chuckle Brothers,’ he said. ‘But it’s rather unsettling when popular or friendly faces get targeted – I always found Paul Gambaccini rather charming and I’m quite fond of It’s a Knockout. And what happens if David Jason gets pinched? That’s half my box sets down the pan’.

The proposals will also ensure that the masks reflect the specific offender’s inner demons. Hence, David Cameron will adopt a Margaret Thatcher facade, while Dick Cheney will use the guise of Voldemort and Dave Lee Travis will appear as himself.

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Posted: Jul 1st, 2014 by

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