After many decades of strife, violence and corruption culminating in a bloody civil war, it has been decided that the blame for the situation in Iraq is to be formally divided up. The new map of blame will be drawn by a special committee made up of members of the various sects within the country, as well as representatives of neighbouring Arab nations and the West.
Sunni and Shi’ites are expected to control roughly equal sized areas of blame, while the architects of the 2003 invasion, Tony Blair and George Bush, will enjoy their own expansive province in the north, neighbouring an area still held by the old Ba’athist regime. The Kurds will retain their autonomy in the north, though the Sunnis and Shi’ites still agree that ‘you can’t really blame them’.
Newcomers ISIS will be hoping for their own permanent tract bordering on Syria despite refusing to accept that anyone else might be to blame. Many believe their plan will be to use this as an operational based to expand their propensity for creating misery outwards to meet their ultimate goal, an Islamic caliphate of culpability.
One Iraqi observer said: ‘The trouble is, once you think you’ve finally apportioned blame correctly, someone else comes in to make a claim. The outside world wants to impose a Western system on us where culpability is negotiated though a series of meetings. But in this part of the world, everyone wants to be the one to exclusively screw everything up for everyone. As the saying, goes “My enemy’s peace envoy is everyone’s enemy”.’
Dividing lines in the blame map have been in flux ever since the US-UK invasion, before which Saddam Hussain’s regime held a monopoly in unmitigated disaster, fiercely holding off the outside world’s attempts to worsen the situation. Iraq has always been of particular interest to the west due to its vast blame reserves, with only a few small oases of innocence.
Israel, meanwhile, has refused to accept the settlement on the basis that everything should be blamed on them as it always has been in the Middle East. ‘We’ve already erected a wall around the West Bank as a blame grab,’ said Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu, ‘and if our security is further undermined in Iraq, we will go in and assassinate people until we get our proper share of the blame.’