Operation Yewtree is to broaden its scope from sexual abuse to ‘all forms of abusive behaviour against children, including crap music’. This follows the disclosure that millions of teenagers listened to dreadful novelty songs in the 1970s.
‘There is evidence of systematic abuse of young peoples’ ears throughout the decade,’ said musicologist Howard Goodall. ‘Some of these songs have been used at Guantanamo Bay to torture prisoners. It’s chilling to think that Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep and Tie a Yellow Ribbon were initially tested on British teenagers, whose immune systems were already weakened by Findus Crispy Pancakes and cauliflower cheese.’
Yewtree officers are pressing for the worst songs to be classified as ‘crimes against humanity’, which they hope would finally enable them to nail Noel Edmonds.