Airports to introduce self-scan check-in for terrorists

bombers expected to hand themselves in when machine goes 'beep'

Major delays caused by terrorists being stopped by airport security could be a thing of the past following the introduction of self-scan check-in for international terrorist organisations.

Under the new system, terrorists can walk into a full body scanner that will identify their cause, their mission and what kind of explosives they are carrying. At this stage the machine issues them with a boarding pass. ‘Admittedly the self scan system does rely on the terrorists being honest and handing themselves in,’ said Home Secretary Alan Johnson, ‘but I am told that most of them are pretty devout.’

However, critics say the system is far from perfect. ‘These scanners do not always recognise terrorists,’ said Gatwick check-in assistant Kimberly Smalls, ‘last week we had one terrorist who came up as ‘item unknown’. I tried to scan him three times before eventually having to type him in manually. Then I had to ask him how to spell ‘martyr’. It was all very embarrassing.’

Other proposals include the introduction of a ’10 Suspicious Items or Less Check-In’. ‘This is an absolute godsend’, said one terrorist, ‘We don’t usually bring much with us and it’s such a nightmare being stuck behind a family pushing a trolleys of holiday luggage. But try telling them that there’s no point bringing any of it on board. Will they listen?’

Meanwhile Luton airport have been piloting a ‘help-with-your-packing’ service. ‘These terrorists have no idea how to pack,’ said check-in assistant Edna Sparks, ‘Many of them just shove a bomb down their pants without even thinking about the consequences. That’s why I’m here to help them pack their explosives sensibly and without causing any unsightly creasing.’

‘We need to accept that terrorists are now part of modern life,’ said Mr Johnson, ‘That is why we have decided to fast track them. If I thought it would speed things up I would give them their own planes but I don’t suppose we’d ever see them again.’

24 February 2010

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