Last night the streets of Rio were lined with shell-shocked football fans, discarded yellow shirts and, as the year ended in 14, predictably rampant Germans. As a nation grieved and distanced itself from FIFA merchandising, Brazilian officials were quick to emphasize that it was ‘no big deal’ and that their real passion was actually for ‘the smooth framing of thongs’.
Brazilian footballers are to be decommissioned and returned to the Amazon rainforest from whence they grew. Likewise Rio de Janeiro will go back to celebrating what it does best – carnavals, samba and street violence. One government official said reporters: ‘We’ve never been that into football. Seriously – it’s not a thing that gets us excited. Whereas the epilation of pubic hair, that’s a thing of beauty. You can’t tell me those hirsute Germans can match us for leaving a thin strip of hair on the mons pubis.’
There are no fewer than 19 UNESCO World Heritage sites recognised in Brazil – ten of which are ‘baldy front bottoms’. Rather than an act of environmental vandalism, their regular deforestation is also a tribute to the country’s commitment to ‘hairless underneaths’. As for the famous Brazil Nut, that is always smooth ‘like a peach’.
While they have won the football World Cup five times, their greatest source of pride has been winning the ‘International Sack Back & Crack Cup’ twenty years in a row. A spokesman for the Brazilian Government said: ‘We will be opting out of the 2016 Olympic Games and focusing on the removal of unhygienic crotch hair. It can’t be more embarrassing than a 1-7 scoreline.’