Britain is facing a heartburn epidemic after stomach-based firemen called a 24 hour stoppage. The pint-sized firefighters, employed by Gaviscon, walked out in sympathy with public sector firemen yesterday, leaving alimentary canals across Britain seriously undermanned.
Gaviscon workers, many of whom are no bigger than a pocket watch, are demanding increased pay and longer hoses to put out the fires which cause heartburn and indigestion. Members say their grievances stem from poor working conditions such as being launched at breakneck speed down somebody’s oesophagus.
‘The pay’s rubbish and the hours are unsociable. Ninety-five percent of my working day is spent cooped up in a slender bottle inside somebody’s fridge away from sunlight,’ said six-inch firefighter Jack Mullins. ‘Sometimes it’s hard to see how I’m going to put food on the table, at least, not without a great big step ladder.’
Minister for the Cabinet Office, Francis Maude, meanwhile, called on the short-arse firemen to return to work, claiming the strike was endangering lives. ‘Without their slightly alkaline milky solution, dispensable at a moment’s notice, it’s surely only a matter of time before someone spontaneously combusts,’ he warned.
Maude advised the public to steer clear of rich foods such as lobster bisque and curried swan while the strike continues, but the tiny firemen remained defiant. ‘If someone dies it’s tough luck,’ Mullins retorted. ‘But if the people who support this government were forced to eat only what we can afford to eat, a bit of meat, a couple of veg maybe, we could all pack up now and go home.’