Government sources have confirmed that MI5 are set to outsource their spying activities to the world’s most popular internet search engine. ‘Google have shown that they are world leaders in this arena and can provide a far greater range of spying operations than the British security services for a fraction of the price,’ said an MI5 spokesman known only as ‘Z’, though identified by Google as Mr. G. Tomkins, 23 Croydon Way, Purley. ‘The quality of our surveillance will be much increased, with only small un-obtrusive adverts being displayed at the top of every image.’
The decision to completely hand over all spying, military intelligence and national security surveillance to Google follows a trial period during which MI5 and MI6 allowed its own officers to use the latest facilities such as StreetView. ‘The trouble was MI5 agents kept shouting ‘Oh look there’s my car!’ and ‘Blimey, does our hedge really look that scruffy?’ They were also prone to periods of depression when our strictly anonymous officers would enter their names on the search engine and then find there was nothing about them on the internet.
Google have not disclosed how much they are being paid to run the British Government’s surveillance operations, but have promised to arrange for Google Maps to provide slightly more detailed satellite photographs of known terrorist hideouts such as Afghanistan’s Tora mountains and a certain pub in South Armagh. But a number of terrorist suspects have apparently already been identified on Google StreetView, and police have issued an artists impression of a man with a very blurred face. ‘A suspect answering this description was shot dead in North London yesterday, but it turned out to be the wrong man,’ admitted a police spokeman. ‘But it was uncanny – he looked just like him.’