The National Organisation of Aromatherapists today claimed that they had made a significant breakthrough in the use of essential oils in the reattachment of severed limbs.
Angela ‘Moonbeam’ Moffatt, a 49-year-old Aromatherapist, claimed that a ‘woman in Japan’ had re-attached the arm of a man, involved in an industrial accident, by using a ‘jasmine and lavender infusion’. Ms Moffatt insisted that ‘it was true’ explaining that ‘she read it on the internet’. Ms Moffatt asserted that ‘this breakthrough is only the beginning, pretty soon we will see heart transplants performed by aromatherapists and the acceptance that all aromatherapists ‘know more than doctors anyway’.
One leading trauma surgeon has described the use of smells in medicine as ‘voodoo bunkum, performed by old witches with nothing better to do now that believing in fairies has gone out of fashion.’ But Ms Moffatt was defiant; ‘I’ve had intensive training in this science; eight straight Tuesday evenings I went to the course in the leisure centre and I’ve got the certificate to prove it. I’m as medically trained as any of these ‘so-called doctors or surgeons.’
Aromatherapists are lobbying the Government to make all paramedic crews include a fully qualified olfactory specialist in the ambulance. ‘I’m sure that somebody crushed in a car accident would really benefit from the relaxing sound of whales and a waft of sandalwood oil to help take their mind off things.’
Ms Moffatt is also pressing for more widespread use of alternative remedies by Britain’s vetinerary surgeons. ‘I used essential oils on my cat Barnaby when the vet said he needed a kidney operation. Tragically he died because I didn’t use enough.’