The newspaper’s jealous response to Mr. Clooney’s engagement to Amal Alamuddin has led to Clooney refusing to accept phone calls, bouquets of roses and romantic editorials about ‘stinky immigrants’ from the lovesick tabloid.
Strangely enough, the Hollywood star was not enamoured with The Mail’s coquettish charms, overt racism and ‘unhealthy delight’ with the murder of prostitutes. The paper’s ongoing obsession with ‘…Lebanese human rights lawyers coming over here, stealing all the best heart throbs – even if they are AMERICAN – but that technically makes him one of us,’ didn’t help either.
According to a dating website, The Mail, when not paying substantial libel damages to J.K Rowling, enjoys ’walks in the countryside’, ‘sunsets’ and ‘being judgemental about the death of homosexuals’.
One disillusioned editor said: ‘We are a paper of note. Since 1896 we’ve brought you headlines like – ‘Hurrah for the Blackshirts’. What’s not to like? Quite frankly we are just as attractive as a Kelly Preston, we smell better than Krista Allen and unlike Brad Pitt – we’d put out on the first date. Although, to be fair we’d probably print a story about it and publish all the intimate details.’
In one last desperate attempt, the Mail has offered to reveal all its dirty little tabloid secrets if Mr. Clooney would only meet it for some ‘pillow talk’. Yet, despite his notorious playboy reputation, Mr. Clooney has expressed no interest in discovering how ‘Woman, 63, becomes PREGNANT in the mouth with baby squid’.
Sadly, the tantalising offer of using Richard Littlejohn as a contraceptive was also firmly rebuked.