British School Disco craze sweeps Beverly Hills


High schools across Beverly Hills are ditching traditional prom nights in their tens as the ‘British Secondary School Leavers’ Disco’ craze sweeps the neighbourhood, it was reported yesterday.

‘Who wants to go to a ball swigging Crystal in a stretch limo with their girlfriends?’ said 16 year old Lena Swellburger. ‘That is, like, so last decade. My dad’s gonna drop me off on my own in his totally original 1984 Ford Sierra – which is why he’s right there now in England, trying to buy one. Daddy, if you’re reading this,I need you and the rusty car back by Monday, or my disco is ruined’.

Once inside strictly-undecorated school halls, pupils (a quaint English word for Students) will be segregated, boys on one side of the room, girls on the other. Professors (or teachers) are being coached in how to regulate the flow of teenagers in the room. Girls have to stand still, and no more than one boy every 15 minutes is to be pushed out of line by his mates, across the gapping void towards the opposite sex, to a chorus of laughter and rude gestures.

‘It’s gonna be SO much fun’ said Ms Swellburger. I’ve been to parties and I’ve kissed boys, but I’ve never snogged anyone before. Getting off? SO much more exotic than making out.

Some schools are going to great lengths to provide a properly miserable once-in-a-lifetime experience for their students. Candy Lane High has installed rain machines just outside the school entrance, to ensure pupils arrive dripping wet ‘just like they would in the midlands of England’, and St Elphege’s Catholic campus has broken the windows on the girls’ toilets, ‘to give the lads a chance of a peek’.

With just days to go before the disco season begins, personal shoppers have been packed on to planes and instructed to fan out across the least fashionable parts of the UK in search of authentic clothing.

‘We had this American chap in here yesterday asking if we stocked C&A culottes, or anything by Tammy Girl’ said Mavis Dickson, manager of Oxfam in Carshalton, Surrey. ‘What kind of town does he think this is? He should have gone to Bromley, I think they’re still wearing them there.’

21st July 2012

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