‘We were desperately trying to come up with some common ground over breakfast yesterday morning,’ explained UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon. ‘Just as I was popping a piece of succulent pork sausage into my mouth I suddenly thought, neither the Israelis nor the Palestinians would be able to do that. Then it hit me – they both probably love Quorn sausages instead! They’ve got no pork in them, they’re perfect for both religions.’
A ceasefire plan was quickly drawn up, based on the assumption that for humanitarian reasons families on both sides of the border would need to stock up on vital Quorn supplies. ‘We did of course note that Linda McCartney does jolly nice sausages as well, so that the BBC could keep their impartiality when reporting on it,’ added Mr Moon.
The proposal has raised hopes of a permanent solution to the dispute finally being found. ‘We’re thinking we could perhaps bring members of the Israeli cabinet together with representatives from Hamas for a residential Quorn cookery workshop,’ suggested Mr Moon. ‘They could all bring their favourite recipes with them to share. How can anyone order missile strikes on someone who’s given you a fabulous recipe for Quorn cottage pie? I think this will be pies in our time. I mean peace.’
Plans to bring in Quorn-sponsored athlete Mo Farah as a special guest at the event were dropped however when someone pointed out what ‘Mo’ was short for.
‘But we’ll negotiate around that and hopefully find a way through,’ added Mr Moon, despite Israel launching a ground offensive into Gaza in search of illicit pork.