In a crushing blow to the NHS balance of payments, it has been revealed today that all targets for the sale of curly ham sandwiches and ‘slightly foxed’ chocolate bars from dispensing machines in Casualty departments have been completely missed.
‘It’s a disaster’, said Bernard Willis, Head of Emergency Medicine and Confectionary at St George’s Hospital in Tooting. ‘We’d negotiated our targets down this year, preferring to reduce expenditure on lubricants for easing saucepans of young boys’ heads, rather than depending on offsetting against income from poor quality foodstuffs. But even then we’re way off beam, and looking down the barrel of a significant deficit.’
‘What baffles me is why the punters aren’t buying the food. We provide absolute shite at conveniently high prices, exactly the sort of stuff the scratters that inhabit our departments claim to love. We even achieve that slot machine frisson with the ‘will they won’t they drop’ mechanism, they should be coming back like Skinner’s pigeons. This is going to need a rethink, time to halve the car parking spaces and treble the fee and I may even have to call Burger King back about that franchise offer.’
RobArmstrong (hat tips to IABP2 and Squudge)