Against the backdrop of a geo-political tsunami, William Jefferson Hague has announced his decision to resign as the UK’s Foreign Secretary, retire as an MP next election and focus on building a ‘start-of-the-art Anderson shelter’ in his back garden.
Mr. Hague has for the past nine years been privy to the dark arts of UN politics, terrorist encroachments and the implicit dangers in ‘eating in foreign restaurants’. This means he is uniquely placed to understand the stability of the world, the threat to national security and ‘just how far up sh$t creek’ we really are. Understandably, colleagues say Mr. Hague has lapsed into a deepening depression and has ceased ‘planning for Christmas’.
Civil servants attest to seeing Mr. Hague looking furtive in recent months, suffering from uncontrollable sweats and hording canned goods. Allegedly whenever the Prime Minister mentions Ukraine, Mr. Hague is said to start edging towards the fire exit, shaking, while murmuring: ‘No amount of Angelina Jolie is going to solve this one’.
A friend of Mr. Hague commented: ‘Some people have unfairly likened William to a rat leaving a sinking ship but how many rodents do you know who abandon a vessel while wearing a hazmat suit?’ Meanwhile Mr Hague has cited personal reasons for his resignation saying he wants to spend more time with his family provided: ‘…they don’t mind living in an underground bunker for ten years and then inter-breeding with the cockroach over-lords who will have inevitably taken control of the nuclear wasteland.’