A health and safety watchdog has condemned self-destruct buttons as ‘dangerous and completely pointless’ in a review for the government published this week.
The watchdog concluded that including a self-destruct facility in nuclear power stations, spaceships and secret missile silos seems ‘totally illogical and irresponsible’ and yet the government agencies have continued to install them in all high risk secret projects since the 1950’s. A spokesperson for the watchdog said ‘a self-destruct button only gives added risk and tension and offers no benefits.’
The review was commissioned after an international criminal bent on world domination almost destroyed a secret missile silo by pressing the self destruct button. Luckily disaster was averted by a heroic MI6 agent who managed to disarm the bomb.
The watchdog was also critical of the ‘pointlessly intricate and complicated disarming systems involved with most self-destruct buttons,’ and ‘a complete lack of labelling on the different coloured wires in bombs and other explosive devices.’
A hard copy of the report was not available as the press officer ate all the relevant pages to prevent them falling into enemy hands.
The Duke of the Shire of Light Upholstery
27th July 2008