Treasury spokesman Jonty Holmes explained the thinking behind the new proposals. ‘In the current climate we have got to get more creative in our thinking around deficit reduction. Millions of tonnes of entirely edible food are discarded in wheelie-bins each year. What better way to reduce waste and the welfare budget than letting the plebs and their feral offsping rummage around on council tips for half-empty yoghurt pots to lick-out?’
The Chancellor George Osbourne spoke in support of the plans today. ‘Dave and I got the idea when we were watching one of those mini-documentaries on Comic Relief last year. That black chap I saw in Midsummer Night’s Dream at The Globe was watching these little African kids who lived on a tip scrapping over some stale bread rolls. This is just the kind of innocent childhood fun our British youth are missing out on.’
‘Dave and Sam regularly have to stock-up more than they need at Number 10 in case they have an extra guest for supper,’ continued Osborne. ‘If it doesn’t get eaten they have to chuck it out. If some poor people can put it to use by picking it up on a tip then all the better. Who knows? Maybe they might feed their children something for dinner that’s not covered in breadcrumbs for a change.’
Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg is said to be attempting to head off dissent from his own party by pledging a system to properly label ‘Fair Trade’ certified food scraps.