US to introduce border height restrictions

US border guards having to look harder to find them

In order to combat the flood of unaccompanied children through its southern states, the US is planning to implement a scheme which bans anyone who still watches ‘Sesame street’, needs help tying their shoe laces or still believes in the tooth fairy. While some fear this might unfairly target Republican nominee Rick Perry, most agree to the rewording of the Statue of Liberty: ‘Give me your tired, your poor…but no one under four foot eight’.

Those children without legitimate claims and stature will be sent home to gang violence, poverty and the realisation they were ‘too short for Disney’s Splash Mountain’. The Presidents of Guatemala, Honduras and El Salvador have backed the US decision saying: ‘Children represent a risk to all our security. They have no regard for personal space or hygiene and get far too hyped at Christmas’.

A 2008 US law which grants children an automatic asylum hearing, is reported to have been revised in favour of a dinosaur-shaped sign with height measurements on it. However, not everyone favours repatriation, one Texan parent said: ‘The more I think about it, US children can’t compete with a cute kid from Central America. My own kids are always banging on about the minimum wage; whereas a hard-working immigrant will mow the lawn, study hard and tidy their room for less than 10 cents.’

More than 50,000 children have been detained since October trying to flout the new height guidelines, many standing on each others’ shoulders or wearing stilts. A spokesman for President Barack Obama said: ‘Adult sized immigrants are one thing – it’s not as if our taxis can drive themselves. But kids? What do we do with kids? This isn’t Victorian London where we can just stick ’em up a chimney. In the words of our founding father, Randy Newman, we don’t want no short people round here’.

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Posted: Jul 26th, 2014 by

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