In the weepy small hours of the weekend, the peoples of the Russian Federation jammed phone lines with complaints of harassment and online bullying by members of the UN. In a week that has seen the Eurasian nation unfairly implicated in the downing of Malaysia Airlines MH17, Moscow officials complained that they had been accused by the US of being ‘fat’, ‘spotty’ and ‘not knowing’ the words to One Direction’s last single.
In true bullying style the European Union is set to agree new sanctions against Russia; not inviting them to their party, blanking them in class and blocking them on Facebook. Even the Hague has ruled that Russia should pay $50bn (£29.5bn) in damages to the shareholders of the defunct oil producer Yukos, just ‘for looking like a dork’.
Accusations that Russia has violated the 1987 Intermediate-Range Nuclear Forces Treaty, are seen has just a ‘mean attempt’ to get back at them for ‘getting to second base with UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon’. The anti-social behaviour aimed at Russia has made the nation refuse to go to Summer Camp this year for fear that the other countries will target Vladimir Putin; for ‘smelling of B.O.’, ‘not having started his period yet’ and ‘not having secured a legitimate mandate for annexing Crimea’.
Mr. Putin is now given to spending hours on end sitting in his bedroom listening to Morrissey songs. A spokesman for the National Bullying Helpline said: ‘While we have a lot of sympathy for vulnerable teenagers who are made the focus of aggressive stalking or trolling; there comes a point with Russia when you have to say – they were asking for it’.