Scottish Health ministry officials today issued an urgent report highlighting the growing risk of eating uncooked Mars Bars, claiming that the habit seems to have been introduced by visitors and immigrants from the south, who seem to be unaware of how the Mars Bar should be prepared for consumption.
‘A raw Mars Bar can contain up to five grams of saturated fat’, a Glasgow-based nutritionist confirmed, ‘which is way too little for our digestive systems to cope with. Deep frying it in lard is essential to ensure the healthy goodness of the bar slides effortlessly through the stomach and is absorbed in the lower intestines.’
Health experts do not want to cause a panic however and are keen to point out that when properly prepared, cooked and washed down with a can of Irn-Bru, a Mars Bar is and will remain an important part of the Scottish diet, and one deep-fried Mars Bar counts as one delicious unit of your five-a-day requirement for fat-soaked carbohydrates.
The report also went on to warn against the growing trend of low-strength lager being consumed from ‘small, fancy glasses'; a popular pastime for those south of the border. ‘Lager must be at least 12% volume, drank straight from the can, and vomited all over the backseat of a car or in someone’s garden’.