Under new Home Office guidelines, all celebrities are to be surgically fitted with cat bells so that children can hear them approaching.
‘The idea is to make it harder for them to pounce’, said a spokesman today. ‘Surgically implanted bells will give kids a sporting chance. Who knows, maybe it will help with the whole obesity thing as well? It could be a new sport’.
‘We realise that some celebs might not be paedophiles, but let’s face it, there’s something slightly odd about anybody who courts attention the way these people do. You’d want a bit of warning if one was in the area’.
He added: ‘I’d prefer to fit them with brakes like on supermarket trolleys, so they’d stop if they tried to wander too far from Broadcasting House’.