Britain’s banks downgraded to ‘bastards’

'A loan!?! You want a loan?!?'

Britain’s banks are under fire once again, after rating agency Moody’s downgraded them to ‘a shower of bastards’. While investors at HSBC are still regarded by many observers as ‘pondlife’, several other major financial institutions fear they could lose their cherished status of ‘immoral grabbing shitbags’.

Industry experts believe that despite their lower rating, wages for investment bankers should remain unaffected. ‘With the right sort of scam, we should be able to pass any additional costs straight to our customers’, explained Dominic Sharlton of Lloyds’ pilfering division. ‘In fact, we’ve been running several trial ruses for quite a while now.’

With new technology now available to Britain’s high street banks, account holders are rarely sure just how they’re being shafted. ‘We’ve learned from our mistakes with PPI and mis-selling endowments’, admitted Sharlton. ‘It really pained us to hand back quite so much money to the people it belonged to. Thankfully, we recovered most of it when we doubled your car insurance.’

Key to the sector’s recovery are computer crashes and glitches, coupled with telephone ‘swipecards’ that make ghost payments if it’s damp. ‘By combining personal banking and IT support into one huge, useless call centre, most of our victims actually believe it’s their fault that we’ve robbed them’, enthused Sharlton. ‘And all the while it’s costing them £1.20 a minute, plus a small charge for converting the payment into rupees.’

International rating agencies had feared that a streak of morality had infected Britain’s banking system, but Sharlton was quick to dismiss the rumour as ‘reckless scaremongering’. ‘I’d like to reassure the public that we plan to carry on with ‘business as usual’, and if you don’t like it, then we know we’re on the right track’, he confirmed. ‘There’s always room for improvement, and we never stop ducking and diving. Once we’ve introduced our latest charge for using debit cards in rush hour, I’m confident we’ll be upgraded back to ‘heartless thieving cunts’.

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Posted: Aug 7th, 2014 by

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