The FA will ensure that Premier League referees will be better equipped to handle encroachment at free-kicks for the coming season, with the introduction of ‘heavy-duty nail guns’, Chief Executive Richard Scudamore announced today.
Following extensive trials at St George’s Park, the FA confirmed that vanishing spray ‘just isn’t enough’ to keep a defensive wall the correct distance from a free-kick taker, and insist nail guns are the way forward.
‘Let’s see if those cheeky defenders can sneak forward with two rusty nine-inch nails through their metatarsals’, said excited Premier League referee, Mark Clattenburg.
Meanwhile, an experimental scheme to discourage diving by allowing referees to ‘taser’ errant forwards has been discontinued. ‘The equipment is just too bulky for referees to carry’, said Scudamore, ‘so we’ve given it to the assistants’.