Scientists have announced that PE teachers could be identified in the womb using a new DNA test. The breakthrough follows the complete sequencing of the ‘PE teacher genome’, which is a 98% match with human DNA.
Professor Dave Watkins explained the discovery: ‘This places PE teachers closer to humans than chimpanzees, which was a huge surprise. We can now design a foetal screening programme so the little bastards can be terminated before birth’. The condition has not attracted much sympathy from the public, and charity campaigns to identify its cause have been poorly supported.
Professor Watkins added: ‘This discovery has only been possible because hundreds of scientists across the world have given their time free of charge. Scientists really hate PE teachers, so we’re happy to help eradicate this curse. Speaking personally, I’ve never forgiven Mr Ellis for making me play rugby in my underpants and vest. In your face, Ellis’.