Having successfully litigated against the commercial use of the word ‘Bear’ in association with knife manufacture, TV survival expert Bear Grylls has instructed the law firm of Carpmaels and Ransford to stop the ‘wanton misuse’ of his surname. Specifically he hopes to stamp out illicit meat broiling, parallel bars and ‘the kind of cross-examination that only occurs in US cop shows’.
The fact that Edward Michael Grylls is not actually called ‘Bear’ has not stopped him ‘suing the stuffing’ out of Paddington, Pudsey and all naturists. A spokesman for Bear Grylls Ventures confirmed the situation: ‘Clearly in the public’s mind, all reference to bears or grills are only ever associated with this much loved TV presenter. For that very reason we are requesting that all mammals of the family Ursidae refrain from defecating in the woods as a part of any popular saying and leave such log work to woggle-wearing survivalists’.
In 2009, at the age of 35, Grylls was appointed the youngest ever Chief Scout but oldest ever virgin, knot specialist and person who ‘still can’t wear full length trousers’, an accolade he shared with rival outdoor survivalist, Ray Mears. The spokesman added: ‘What is less well known is that the grill moniker has been used by philatelists to describe the pyramidal marks on certain stamps – without any royalties paid to Bear. This must stop.’
For consumers there exists a legitimate confusion between a grated cooking utensil and ‘another waster from Eton’. As for George Foreman, he is yet to comment on the current legal proceedings, but he is said to be pursing his own counter-claim against anyone claiming to ‘speak for a panel of jurors’.