The campaign focuses on the Scottish leader’s winning assets, namely his big brown eyes and ‘chobbly jowls’. The key argument is that ‘little Alex’ is a far more attractive option than any of the English pedigrees currently lolloping around Westminster marking their territory, and ‘eating the voters out of house and home’.
PR consultant Piers Whitehouse insists, ‘Cameron is a biter. He sits there looking immaculately-groomed and well-behaved but you couldn’t leave him near an unguarded pram.’
Piers fondled the ear of a drooling hound, ‘Milliband here is a fairly docile animal, but occasionally noisy and clumsy. Rather puts one in mind of a cross between Pluto and Scooby Doo. We are still trying to find him a home. I’m sorry to say that England and her neighbours are already regretting the ill-considered gift of Clegg, with his tendency to dig holes and yap a lot. He gets anxious and widdles everywhere if you don’t throw him a bone.’
He indicated a hefty animal, ‘Boris would be a nightmare if he got into power. He would leave hairs (and heirs in all probability) all over the furniture, and will shag your leg at any given opportunity. Quite fiercely. ‘Far better to settle for the cuddly but fiesty Salmond, with his eager huffing and lovely puppy-dog eyes. Failing that, who would like our little Farage mutt? He is a cross between a whippet and a bulldog we think. Stinks like a fox, probably should be neutered, but lots of fun.’
Kevin the Swan