Amidst concerns over failing educational standards, it was announced today that the GCSE is to be replaced by a Hunger Games-style contest, in which 16-year-olds will exchange statutory secondary school qualifications for a gladiatorial fight to the death. It is hoped that the new measures will not only improve unemployment statistics in the 16+ demographic, but also combat teenage obesity, pregnancy and undue dependence on Candy Crush Saga.
The news has been cautiously welcomed by teachers’ unions, many of whom have campaigned ceaselessly for blind adherence to the curriculum to be substituted for transferable skills such as team-building, communication and mindless psychosis.
‘For too long, we have allowed young people to leave school without a basic grasp of mental arithmetic, grammar or machetes,’ said Dave Trusk of NASUWT, who will now lead Elementary Disembowelling at Our Lady Queen of Peace in Walsall. ‘Media Studies and Home Economics might pass for academic subjects but they aren’t much use when you’re stuck in a hostile environment with everyone trying to rip out your spine and you’ve nothing but your own piss to drink. Or ‘Work Experience’ as it was previously known.’
The new tests will require teenagers to use logic, reasoning and a semi-automatic in order to progress to further education. For the duration of the games they will need to hunt their own food, eating grasses, roots and dead vermin, all of which have been cleared by the Department of Education as having the equivalent nutritional value of the average Comprehensive School canteen lunch.
However, critics of the scheme have spoken of the unfair advantage given to those from underprivileged backgrounds, who may already have experience of firearms and/or fratricide. ‘A rapier-like wit is little defence in the face of an AK47 and improper apostrophe usage,’ said H. Humbert, headmaster of St Winifred’s House. ‘Besides, if you want brute force and violence to triumph over genuine academic talent, you can always send your children to private school.’