Minister David Willetts was pleased to announce a third for-profit institution has been granted the title of university. The School of Hard Knocks has a reputation for low fees, a broad curriculum, and high mortality rates. Their courses will ‘inspire the young’, ‘cull the weak’ and have significantly ‘lower over-heads’ than any undergraduate course in biochemistry.
Competition for places is expected to be fierce, so candidates are advised to focus their personal statement on character building experiences such as – ‘smothering a loved one when faced with medical bills’, ‘giving up a child up for adoption when the food stamps run out’ or ‘evicting a disabled friend for hoarding rooms’.
Lecturers come from a range of criminal backgrounds including prostitution, gun smuggling and the Banking sector. Each will be uniquely qualified to advise on how to survive in the post-apocalyptic jobs market created by George Osborne. Early modules will include ‘How to skin a Rat’, ‘Insulating lofts with Faeces’ and ‘Human Flesh: Tastes like Chicken’.
‘If we’ve learnt anything from the X Factor, overcoming adversity is what brings out talent,’ explained a Department of Education spokesman. ‘We want fragile, abused and vulnerable young adults to take these life lessons and channel it into a meaningful career path. Hopefully – preying on the fragile, abused and vulnerable. Remember, what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. Unless it’s asbestos in the lecture hall ceilings. Eventually asbestos will pretty much kill you every time’.
As part of their ‘gifted and talented’ programme, the University will allow candidates to spend a gap-year in an abattoir, Syria, or Ed Miliband’s Press Office. Each term will have a summative assessment, with students being thrown into a locked examination hall for four weeks, with no water, no writing materials and only rudimentary weapons. Whoever emerges with all their limbs intact will be awarded a first class PPE, full amnesty and a Ministerial post when they graduate.