An all-party Parliamentary group has recommended that, rather than ambiguous health warnings, all bottles containing alcohol should now depict career suicides. A range of images will accompany the tag line ‘Liquid Death’, including Shane McGowan’s dental records and everything featuring Mel Gibson.
Worryingly, very few of the one million people admitted to hospital for alcohol abuse every year try to release albums or movies while under the influence. Liver disease in the under 30s has doubled but the greater cost to the UK is having to sit through 204 episodes of Kiefer Sutherland as Jack Bauer.
The drinks industry is now committed to putting Mel Gibson’s face on 80% of all bottles and cans. However, it may be too late for Alex Salmond, who was recently found guilty of driving 5 million Scots over a precipice while under the influence of Braveheart.