Research by the Metropolitan Police has shown that victims of crime often look ‘easy to pick on’ in much the same way as criminals look ‘a bit dodgy’, and have concluded that victims are ultimately the cause of crime.
‘We’re very busy and we really don’t need the hassle of investigating crimes against wimps who, frankly, invite it,’ a Met spokesman said. ‘When you consider how much crime is caused by people looking like victims, really we should be charging them with wasting police time.’
From October, police patrols will be picking up anybody who looks obviously ‘victimmy’ and putting them in protective custody, with the exception of attractive women, whose stories the police enjoy hearing. ‘We’re leaving them free to roam the streets, though we’ll be keeping a close eye on them by CCTV. That’s what it was invented for, right?’