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ISIS opens first effigy superstore

'almost as active as the real thing!'The widely reported perception of ISIS as ‘more sophisticated than your average Jihadi movement’ received a further boost today with the so-called ‘Islamic Caliphate’ opening its first effigy superstore in Mosul under the ‘Effigy Warehouse’ brand.

The store’s business model recognises that middle class jihadis flowing in from across the globe have shifted the middle east effigy market away from the days of hastily sewn-together potato sacks with a crude face drawn on with marker pen. ‘The discerning jihadist now demands sophisticated models which stand out from the crowd, and even utter a few lines of heresy as they are consumed in the flames,’ said the store manager.

Going under the slogan ‘Allah’s favourite effigy supplier’ and challenging anyone to disprove it, the store offers a wide variety of styles and price options, from ‘Basic Westerner’ to ‘Deluxe Presidential’, all guaranteed highly accurate and combustible. They also stock a range of international flags, Danish Muhammad cartoons, false god statuettes, Salmon Rushdie books and blasphemous tea-towels.

The store manager said: ‘Business is excellent. The first day was pandemonium, and though sales dipped over the next few days, the in-built obsolescence of our products means those customers will all be back again by the end of the week – Inshallah!’

‘Our ‘infidel variety packs’ are proving particularly popular, as is our ‘buy an American, get a Zionist free’ offer. We also have an extensive library of flammable, inflammatory literature, so no-one needs to arrive at the book-burning party with the same title as everyone else,’ he added.

The heretic effigy industry has been growing since the 1979 Iranian Revolution, and in 1983 overtook the Guy Fawkes effigy industry in turnover – though some have suggested this was more to do with Guy Fawkes industry’s refusal to adapt to inflation and insistence that its outlets retain a traditional but unrealistic pricing structure.

But in Mosul the future seems bright, with the store’s backers in Qatar delighted that their investment was being handsomely repaid by the hordes of Jihadis in the shop spending money that had also been given to them by Qatar. It’s been such a success that the Qataris are now considering building a football-themed store in Geneva, filled with effigies of anyone who disagrees with their other favourite acronym, FIFA.

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Posted: Aug 17th, 2014 by Adrian Bamforth

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