In a groundbreaking scientific development – which runs contrary to current cosmological orthodoxy that states that in the wake of the big bang a central point in an infinitely expanding three dimensional universe cannot exist – physicists at Oxford University have broken ranks to confirm that there is in fact a centre of the universe and that it is Benjamin James Milton, an 18-month old toddler from Knutsford, Cheshire.
Professor Tyler Hoyle of the Oxford team explained that his department had been contacted by Sara and Philip Milton, Benjamin’s proud parents, who outlined the new theory in some detail. ‘Obviously we’re very busy here, but when Mrs Milton got us on the phone – up to a dozen times a day – to explain how bright Benjamin was for his age, and how sensitive he is to the world around him, we simply had to act,’ explained the Nobel Prize winning scientist, ‘Especially after Mr Milton got on the line to offer us a bit of guidance from his Nuffield Physics O Level book on the subject.’
The Miltons have now been presented with a certificate on Oxford University headed notepaper officially confirming the discovery, signed by Stephen Hawking whose handwriting, according to Mrs Milton, ‘is very legible, you know, considering…’. With the Oxford team now free to continue pondering the less significant mysteries of the cosmos, the Miltons are now producing multiple copies of the document to distribute to people including smokers standing within a 500 yard radius of the child, nearby tradespeople making noise at naptime, family friends hosting barbecues without considering the dietary requirements of the under-2s, work colleagues apparently happy with their own children, and anyone else who may have expressed any doubt that the universe revolves around ‘little Benjy’.
However, while the couple were obviously delighted about the confirmation from Oxford, there was disappointing news from the Vatican, where a spokesman for the pope dismissed Mr Milton’s argument that the child could even be the next Messiah. A personal letter from the Pontiff later explained that it will be the sign of the second coming of God incarnate when a child is born and the parents don’t have any sex at all before the birth, not after it.