UKIP have unveiled a manifesto pledge to make the British Citizenship UK residency test more stringent by lifting the questions directly from University Challenge. The proposals will also see applicants being asked to play ‘The Lark Ascending’ by Vaughan Williams on the violin instead of singing the national anthem.
Questions such as ‘What is the Grand National?’ will be replaced with head-scratchers like ‘The Navier-Stokes equation governs the behaviour of what form of matter?’ Similarly the question ‘Is the UK part of the United Nations’ will be dropped in favour of ‘Which two heteronyms are words used to describe workers who have joined together for self-protection, and a chemical compound that has not dissociated electrically’.
UKIP’s political opponents have pointed out that under the new stiffer test Nigel Farage’s German wife may not have qualified for residency. ‘The test is for men only’ says Farage ‘ladies will undergo a more visual examination. And not all men have to be Einsteins either, if they can answer ‘yes’ to the last question ‘do you have piles of cash and like a laugh down the pub?’ then we’ll probably let them in. You can’t say fairer than that’.