In a last ditch attempt to avoid extradition, Julian Assange has sought refuge in the Celebrity Big Brother house and will now live under the protection of Coleen Nolan, Martin Kemp and Julie Goodyear.
The founder of Wikileaks is already fitting in well, carefully listening in to the conversations of fellow housemates before immediately running off to The Diary Room to reveal all of their most intimate secrets.
‘The people have the right to know everything,’ said Assange, ‘and I have some pretty amazing revelations about Julie Goodyear’s involvement in starting the Iraq War, how Julian Clary isn’t even gay and how Samantha Brick is part of an elaborate CIA plot to upset everyone on Twitter.’
The decision has wrong-footed the British government because under international law the Celebrity Big Brother house is protected by ‘undiplomatic immunity’ and cannot be entered by anyone other than a publicity-seeking egotist trying to revive their flagging career.
‘Obviously we are watching the situation very carefully,’ said Foreign Secretary William Hague, ‘which, to be honest, is pretty tedious viewing.’
‘Personally I would love to send in the SAS to shoot the lot of them, but we must be patient and rely on the rule of law. I have every faith that the British people will use their votes to evict Mr Assange, but only after they have removed that horrendous Brick woman first.’
Mr Hague refused to rule out using an obscure piece of UK legislation that allows the status of ‘special constable’ to be conferred upon Wolf from Gladiators. Wolf would then be free to enter the house, jump around a bit and drag Mr Assange out by his hair.
Human rights lawyers are perplexed by the latest move. ‘Mr Assange is naturally concerned about being sent to the USA where he may face the death penalty,’ explained Geoffrey Robertson QC. ‘But that may not seem such a bad option compared to spending the rest of one’s life locked up with a bunch of vacuous Z-list celebrities endlessly degrading themselves. Still, Julian insists that nobody was forced into doing it and that the whole thing is consensual.’