Following the recent raid on Sir Cliff Richard’s home, where police hung around for a while tending the plants and generally keeping the place tidy while the BBC filmed it, many celebrities are vying to experience for themselves the new BBC/Police house-sitting service while they are off on their holidays.
‘We have had heaps of enquiries,’ trilled the South Yorkshire Police Events Manager, Pauli Throop. ‘Our Flying Squad eye-in-the-sky package offers a discreet and professional service that won’t disintegrate your front door by whumping it in with one of those battering rams we use with our Channel Four budget ‘Crims on a Shoestring’ deal. Our highly-trained operatives will not so much as thieve a ‘Sir Cliff On Rollerskates’ ashtray.’
He proudly showed endorsements from previous happy customers, who were from their ‘potential celebrity criminals’ portfolio, rather than the new wave of ‘criminal celebrities’.
‘Ten out of ten! Top service,’ said ‘Knuckles’, of Chipping Sodbury, ‘They even remembered to water the aspidistra in the rumpus room. How thoughtful.’ And another from a recalcitrant subject currently away in Spain; ‘I wish all security services gave the option to watch live. So nice to be able to check from overseas that no-one is floating dead in the swimming pool. Even though one could see that they had shaken the snow-globes, but that’s a mere trifle.’
Throop offered a note of caution, however. ‘Unfortunately we can only provide the best levels of service if our clients are actually out when we swing by. In a dry run this week we found Simon Cowell still in residence, sunning himself on the terrace wearing only a pair of sunglasses and the sort of grin you couldn’t televise before the watershed,’ he shuddered ‘…and he was rather obviously winking at the camera.’