Doctors who kill patients because they’re really not very good at being Doctors will, in future, be required to make proper apologies and not have their fingers crossed when they do it.
The BMA have today released new guidance for all medics to ensure they understand just how sorry they’ll have to be before they’re allowed to return to their killing spree. ‘Clearly all Doctors are very clever independent practitioners who self regulate, and far be it from us to judge’, said Anne Bottomly, Director of Practice Standards and Fudged Outcomes at the BMA. ‘ However, accidents do happen and we feel it’s probably reasonable for our members to show that they are pretty contrite when the body count rises. Therefore, with immediate effect, we are implementing a rising scale of required apology. One death will generate a cursory phone call from the Doctor’s PA, two deaths a letter actually signed by the Doctor and above three a personal meeting with relatives. With tea. AND biscuits’.
Dr Andrew Briars, a Consultant in Urology at University Hospital Clapton said, ‘look, I’m really busy so please leave me alone. Lots of my patients survive and frankly, I think you should just be bloody grateful that I turn up at all.’