Operation Yewtree unearths historic abuse of a beloved ‘immaculate’ celebrity


Operation Yewtree has opened an investigation into remarkable claims that an underage Nazareth girl was the victim of historic child abuse.

According to some highly questionable accounts written by an anonymous doctor going by the name of Luke, the girl who is referred to only as Mary was taken advantage of by an almighty intruder who somehow managed to gain entry to her home without her parents’ knowledge. The as yet unauthenticated document seems to suggest events in which the mysterious assailant proceeded to ply the innocent Mary with holy spirit. He then asserted his divine will before finally impregnating her without leaving a single seed of evidence.

The perpetrating procreator is widely believed to be an elderly, but exceptionally potent, bearded man who seeks to control the vulnerable and irrational by using a combination of guilt psychology, threats of fiery damnation and promises of eternal milk and honey.

‘It’s a miracle that He gets away with it!’ said the police probe’s leading officer, Detective Tim Thomas. ‘Initially, our prime suspect was Mary’s much older boyfriend, an errant chippy called Joseph. However, we’ve since found several records which testify that he couldn’t maintain wood long enough to bang a nail in.’

Despite the trauma of Mary’s profoundly unnatural encounter at such an impressionable young age, as well as having to overcome much adversity during her pregnancy, enduring far from stellar birthing conditions when forced on the road, and struggling as a single mum for the greater part of her bastard child’s upbringing, she has since gone on to truly wondrous acclaim.

After many years of devout adoration by passionately hardcore fans Mary has become a globally recognised celebrity who is an iconic beacon of hope and bringer of inexplicable comfort to the mentally lame, morally bankrupt and sexually depraved. When asked for a comment about the ongoing investigation into her murky past, Mary remained a beatific vision of unmoved serenity while stoically keeping tight-lipped on the whole subject. And yet, in her timeless silence, she said so very much to so very many lost souls simply by shedding a single tear that fell upon her cheek as pure as rain water or the morning dew.

The unorthodox police investigation still has to process a vast number of cryptically worded documents which contain a mind-numbing amount of contradictory statements, and therefore has made very little tangible progress. A dedicated team of deeply sceptical officers will continue to work on the case round-the-clock, except on Sundays.

Crayon (Hat tipping Robert Koch and beau-jolly)

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Posted: Aug 24th, 2014 by

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