Editorial staff at the Daily Mail are in crisis talks after realising that most of the lovable celebrity paedophiles have been unmasked.
‘It’s a nightmare’, said one insider. ‘Obviously there are still plenty of paedo scum out there, but they’re not very famous or photogenic. How are we supposed to make people feel extra scared about ordinary paedos? You don’t fear them cos you don’t think you know any. But when it’s Rolf, or Jimmy, then it could be anybody – see what we did there? Could be your next door neighbour. Might be me. Anybody.
‘We’ve asked the Beeb to step up recruitment so we can vilify them for it, but they’re dragging their heels as usual.
‘Thank God for Cliff. This one could drag on for months. Obviously we’re all hoping he’s guilty of something, but even if he’s innocent we can play with it for a while. The ideal outcome would be Madeleine McCann held hostage by a celeb with Ebola. Is that too much to ask? Really?’